Bloomin eck, fell asleep, di’in I? On an English summer’s afternoon.
Had a scare earlier – came out of the supermarket and couldn’t find me bike. It just wasn’t there. Admittedly I’d chained it to a pole close to the supermarket but that pole did have an end and if they could have lifted it three yards, they could have taken it. Lock wasn’t too hard to pick – cheapo ASDA, bike owed me nowt as it had done great service. Particularly as ’tweren’t mine in the first place.
Another thought struck – that the bloody council had removed it and impounded it. “You can have it for £190,” or whatever.
Then it dawned that by breaking the regular routine today, it had thrown me out a bit. So this is what age is all about, methought. Morbid thoughts of the decision I’d made that if it did look as if I were within range of the end, I’d make peace with everyone, even the feminists and be a lovely old man instead of an awkward, cantankerous sod. You know – once the cancer sets in, that sort of thing – I’ll be charm personified, even on the blog.
Then it double dawned that … well, let me explain. We have a sort of 90 degree thing. In one road is a bike rack and if you go round the corner, there’s another. Now I remember coming back from work to do the shopping, chaining the thing to the first rack I came to in the precinct, which I wouldn’t normally do. Anyway, twere a good theory and it involved going round that corner peshkom [on foot in Russian].
This involved, unfortunately, going past the chippy and he was still half open [sliding metal front only a bit down] and he had spring rolls. Chocolate, spring rolls, wine, wimmin – can’t go past them, sadly. Plus the whole reason for being in the precinct is I’d forgotten her chocs, hadn’t I and saw she was disappointed when I’d got there. And she was training up another girl so I had to get more in. Plus I’m putting my foot in it too much these days.
Her: I’m tired, worn out.
Me: Yeah, I can see that.
Her: Oh, thanks very much!
Me [attack as defence]: Well I know you from way back, don’t I and I’ve seen the best and then the very best. And you’re tired – doesn’t make you look any worse. [S***, thought to myself, did I get away with that?]
Her [smiling again]: You’re hopeless. [Turns to the new girl] He’s hopeless.
[Sigh of relief]: Yeah, am today. I’m tired.
Anyway, now I saw them both in the precinct and suddenly it all dawned – I know where I left it.
Two minutes later, reunited with my bike, I’d failed to take the two of them for coffee. Think they were on a mission from work anyway. Still, very bad precedent, one I’m determined to stamp out – bike before wimmin. Where’s the romance in that? I’m already in enough trouble with Uber.