nourishing obscurity

There’s an article in the Mail – yes, I know, it’s my equivalent of slumming it – and it’s about a houseguest who came to stay … and stay … and stay …

There’s a certain amount of artistic licence allowed journos on blog-type pieces and if this journo did act as she said she did, then more fool her:

Katy was bored and despondent as she had been refused a visa to re-enter the U.S. I was reluctant as I had only met her twice, and yet there seemed something fraudulent about her.

She said she had been refused a visa because the man at the embassy had formed an irrational dislike for her. She claimed her family, with the exception of her late mother, were unkind to her.

She arrived at my house when I was out and was let in by my cleaning lady. Instead of making her way to the spare room, she decided to make her nest in the master bedroom – my bedroom.

Now if she had done that with me, she’d have been out of the door that day because that comes under the heading “professionally taking the p***”.

I’m unusually sensitive to this issue for the simple reason that, from May 2008 until January 2009, I was down and out and dependent on the largesse of others. Long time readers know that I went south from Russia to Welshcakes and then to Jailhouse Lawyer, in the UK, meeting up with Andrew Allison, then to the northwest for some time and finally into my own flat.

It wasn’t just those people either – there were people in Russia and two in the UK – Uber and Cherie, integrally involved with this thing plus others such as Wolfie, Sackers and Tiberius and one thing I was and still am – is eternally grateful. I flatly refuse to have bad relations with those people … ever.

The very last thing I wanted to do was rock the boat but in Welshcakes’ case, my angst over my continuing dealings with the government and an inability to stay up late, along with salt [don't ask] became an issue. An inability to express my gratitude also played on my mind.

I have to tell you that I’m hypersensitive to imposing on people and squaring that with them is a major priority once I can get firing again. Last weekend I had a chap staying here who has a similar point of view – the dislike of imposing on others and the visit was short.

The trouble for me is that he is an expansive, generous person by nature and that was an issue all on its own – we had a lovely time, no mistake but the unspoken correctness was an undercurrent. My mate up the road also hates to put himself upon others, no matter how close and that’s how things were for me in Russia earlier – my own boss, my own flat and able to give rather than take – a far better position for the soul.

I know I’m saying it as shouldn’t but I was not known for my stinginess back then nor do I believe anyone wants to be known for that.

Gifts

Changing tack, for some time it’s seemed to me that the Japanese system of gift giving and receiving is a good one.  I really do detest gift receiving and giving because the danger is that the outgoing response will be out of proportion to the incoming gesture.

The Japanese understand the fundamentals of this.

It’s all well and fine to just give because you like the person but it creates an obligation in his/her mind.  In general, I believe most people don’t rationalize to the extent I am doing now and fair enough.  They wouldn’t take it as seriously as I but then again, the Japanese take it far more seriously than I do.

For me, there are four issues:

1.  I pride myself on giving gifts that have been thought out and wrapped with care.  A lady I know in Melbourne once complimented me on it and as her taste was exquisite [prior to that, of course], then this was one of the most important accolades ever to me and one to live up to if I can.  I hate doing things shoddily;

2.  Cost.  If I can’t match it or if it seems ungenerous on my part, it creates angst and plays on my mind;

3.  What the gift says.  There’s a lady near where I work and we struck up an ongoing conversation.  I had some ginger biscuits from Costa and gave them to her one day and immediately that skewed the relations;

About a week later, our organization issued a decree to all that no one was to disturb anyone or any other business in that building.  I’m not suggesting that it was all don to my act but it seems to me to have been part of it.

4.  The commercialism of “giving seasons”.  I used to get handmade calendars from one friend and that was all I ever wanted from her.  I hope that what I gave her sufficed.

People are forever misinterpreting what gifts are about and so, given all the above factors, I’d prefer, please, to neither receive nor give.  In the same way that I’m in no current position to afford a woman [and it does cost a certain amount, to do justice to her, no matter what anyone says], then it’s better just to let the whole thing slide.

In Russia, my best mate and I had a deal – we’d have a cost limit, we knew what each needed/wanted, e.g. Gillette deodorant, coffee etc. and we religiously stuck to that formula.  All was well.

Filed under: Society & human issues