nourishing obscurity

The Beeb, on Rumpy Pumpy. This is how it might have been:

“Voters appreciate politicians who keep their cool – it’s a distinct advantage being a damp rag, better than being a dry wit and I’m very cool under pressure and when I was in the Belgian parliament as prime minister, if people said nasty things or insulted me I stayed very calm and that was very well received by the public and the public loved me because I was a calm politician, not a third rate bank clerk.

I never once worked at a till or any other demeaning job like that.  I can assure you that I am now at the height of my popularity in Flanders, after the incident in the European Parliament… A lot of people feel themselves confident when they are governed by people who don’t get nervous and angry at every incident and I don’t get nervous and I’m very cool and people love me.  And I’m not a damp squib either.

Actually, I act very coolly, like the British at their best, phlegmatically, as a matter of fact.  That’s my main claim to the EU Presidency – that I can be so cool under pressure and have such charisma that people love me in Flanders.

Did I mention that I usually stay cool, calm and collected?  And that man is beneath contempt.  And I always remember a name and he’ll get his, not that I was affected, of course.  Steve Bercow and I sleep together on weekends too.  And it’s very calm and loving.”

Filed under: Politics & economics